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For My Daughter,

You haven’t been born yet, and though I pray things will be different by the time you eventually do join the world, I felt the need to prepare you. Prepare you for the world you will be coming in to. There are rules, you see, but there’s no real user manual for life, so I’m going to do you a favor and spell out some of the rules of being a woman in today’s society.

Be kind, but not too kind or you’ll be labeled a doormat. Be independent but not too independent because you need a man to keep your life in order. Be smart, but not too smart because brains never got any woman anywhere. Have opinions but never speak them aloud if men are involved in them. Silently celebrate any achievement a woman makes, but don’t let anything with a penis see you do it. Love God and study His book, but make sure you forget all those pesky misogynistic rules and stories. Education is important, but it’s not as important as the way you look.

Wear pumps because they make your butt look great, but never complain about discomfort or difficulties with them. When you buy a bra, make sure it gives your breasts some extra cleavage, even if you don’t need it; men love it and if you want them to pay attention to you, it’s necessary. Don’t expect them to look you in the eye, that’s unfair and you wouldn’t display your breasts so prominently if you didn’t want them to look, would you?

We can change our hair color and you should adjust depending on the opinions you want people to have of you. Redheads are wild and passionate, but bitchy and sneaky. Blondes are fun and perky and popular, but dumb and slutty. Brunettes are smart and grounded, but have no imagination and are too serious. Every girl with black hair has some amount of Latin, Asian, or Native American blood in her. Those all have stereotypes you’ll be expected to live up to as well, so do your research before you pick which one applies. Make sure you dress to show off your body, but too much or you’ll be objectified. You’ll always be objectified by someone… make sure you hate it but never say that out loud. Be thin but not too skinny or you’re a twig and no man wants a woman who doesn’t have any curves. Be curvy but not too curvy or you’re lazy.

Know enough about cars to be able to know what you need when you go to the garage so you don’t get taken advantage of, but never let the men around you know what you’re doing. Be interested in technology but never expect to be taken seriously when discussing it. Keep up on sports, but do it in heels, pantyhose, and a pushup bra or you’re gay. Love men and everything about them no matter how awful it may be, or you’ll have to burn your bra, never shave again, and you’ll have to get used to the term “dyke”. Believe in yourself as a woman and remember all those women who fought for the freedoms and rights you have, but never say anything about it out loud or you’ll be called militant and every man you meet will insist that you are what’s wrong with the world today.

Don’t have sex too soon in a relationship, no matter how much you both want it, or you’re a slut. But don’t hold out too long either, or you’re a frigid ice queen who thinks she’s better than everyone else. Learn how to give head because if you ever screw that up, he’ll probably never call you back, but if you do really well, every guy in town will suddenly take an interest in you. Never use pregnancy, illness, or anything else as a reason for justifying the way you are or you’ll be accused of setting a double standard. Want equality but be happy when you don’t get it because you don’t want to be accused of complaining all the time.

Take yourself seriously, but never expect others to do the same. Support a woman’s right to her own body, or you’ll be called archaic and not a real woman, but hate abortion or you’ll be labeled a baby killer regardless of whether or not you’ve had one yourself.

And remember, all women are: bitches, whores, sluts, cunts, dumb, silly, militant, housekeepers, baby sitters, baby makers, cooks, drama queens, weak, flirts, victims, sex objects, and home wreckers.

Love and sympathy,

Your slut, bitch, whore, cunt, dumb, silly, militant Mother.

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