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Archive for December, 2012

“If God had a name, what would it be?” 

Eeeee! I LOVE this song!” The squeal that left the tiny, white haired girl’s lips was high pitched and excited, and followed by her jumping out of her chair behind her desk and climbing up on top of it, feet braced shoulder width apart as her hips began to gyrate in slow circles and her knees bounced, causing the long lengths of her pigtails to sway around her in an odd manner.

Standing a few feet away and looking slightly vexed by this change of activity stood Gabriel, so very dapper in his three piece suit with his long auburn hair pulled back in to a ponytail. “I know,” he answered dryly, but it was clear she wasn’t listening to him.

Dancing in a circle, papers and parchments went slipping off the edges of the desk, the baby pink Hello Kitty coffee mug filled with pens and quills from various ages getting knocked over, sending the items scattering around the floor as a pair of ankle sock covered feet carried her over the desk, dancing her around. Her legs were bare and Gabriel could see the little grey and pink polka-dot panties she wore under the soft pink t shirt that hung to mid-thigh on her, “University of Heaven” printed across her gently bouncing breasts.

“Do you know why I love this song, Gay-bee-bay-bee?” she crooned from atop the desk as she shimmied to the left… then the right… leaving Gabriel to watch in silence as all the organizing he’d done not long prior was completely ruined.

“Why is that?” he asked, trying to keep the strain and annoyance out of his voice.

“Because it’s about ME!” she squealed, moments before taking up the bridge of the song. “And yeah… yeah… God is great! And yeah… yeah… God is good… SING IT GAY-BEE!”

“Please don’t call me Gay-bee.”

“SING IT!”

Sigh. “What if God was one of us,” Gabriel piped in in a slightly monotone voice, watching his boss as she jumped off the desk with an excited squeal and bounced across the room to the huge bed piled with more stuffed animals than should ever be allowed. She scooped up massive gray teddy bear so big he couldn’t really see her around it, just her slender arms and legs as she danced and bounced on the bed, sending the stuffed toys flying everywhere. “Just a slob like one of us? Just a stranger on a bus, trying to make his way home…

“MORE FEELING!” came the squeal from the bed, moments before Gabriel was deftly dodging a large purple unicorn that came flying at him from the mound on the bed.

Groan. “If God had a face, what would it look like?

“MINE!” another squeal as his small, white haired creator lept off the bed to grab a round baby blue hairbrush and thrust it in to his hand.

And would you wanna see, if seeing meant that you would have to believe in things like heaven? And Jesus and the saints?

She took over at that, grabbing her own hair brush, this one white with pink glittery sparkles all over it. “And yeah! Yeah! God is GREAT! And yeah! Yeah! God is good! Yeah yeah yeah! SING WITH ME GAY-BEE!”

Buckling to the pressure, Gabriel gripped the hair brush in his hand and fell to his knees dramatically, lifting his eyes to look at her as hands gestured to her as he sang and she danced around him, both singing in unison. “What if GOD was one of us?! Just a SLOB like one of us?! Just a stranger on a bus, trying to make his way hooooome?!

The song continued on with Gabriel looking like an over-zealous banker at a rock concert, his ponytail swirling around as he sang and the sixteen year old looking young woman dancing around him as they grooved out.

Nobody calling on the phone… cept maybe the Pope in Rome…

The song tapered off to its end and just as it did, snow white pig tails whipped around a petite body as she spun and spun and ran right in to… a body. Squeaking and stumbling back with a giggle, she looked up at a slightly disgruntled young man with liberty spiked hair, currently dyed an obnoxiously bright shade of blue, several piercings, and one long, uneven line of mascara from the middle of his lower right eyelid to halfway down his cheek. “Really, Mom?”

“Jesus!”

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For My Daughter,

You haven’t been born yet, and though I pray things will be different by the time you eventually do join the world, I felt the need to prepare you. Prepare you for the world you will be coming in to. There are rules, you see, but there’s no real user manual for life, so I’m going to do you a favor and spell out some of the rules of being a woman in today’s society.

Be kind, but not too kind or you’ll be labeled a doormat. Be independent but not too independent because you need a man to keep your life in order. Be smart, but not too smart because brains never got any woman anywhere. Have opinions but never speak them aloud if men are involved in them. Silently celebrate any achievement a woman makes, but don’t let anything with a penis see you do it. Love God and study His book, but make sure you forget all those pesky misogynistic rules and stories. Education is important, but it’s not as important as the way you look.

Wear pumps because they make your butt look great, but never complain about discomfort or difficulties with them. When you buy a bra, make sure it gives your breasts some extra cleavage, even if you don’t need it; men love it and if you want them to pay attention to you, it’s necessary. Don’t expect them to look you in the eye, that’s unfair and you wouldn’t display your breasts so prominently if you didn’t want them to look, would you?

We can change our hair color and you should adjust depending on the opinions you want people to have of you. Redheads are wild and passionate, but bitchy and sneaky. Blondes are fun and perky and popular, but dumb and slutty. Brunettes are smart and grounded, but have no imagination and are too serious. Every girl with black hair has some amount of Latin, Asian, or Native American blood in her. Those all have stereotypes you’ll be expected to live up to as well, so do your research before you pick which one applies. Make sure you dress to show off your body, but too much or you’ll be objectified. You’ll always be objectified by someone… make sure you hate it but never say that out loud. Be thin but not too skinny or you’re a twig and no man wants a woman who doesn’t have any curves. Be curvy but not too curvy or you’re lazy.

Know enough about cars to be able to know what you need when you go to the garage so you don’t get taken advantage of, but never let the men around you know what you’re doing. Be interested in technology but never expect to be taken seriously when discussing it. Keep up on sports, but do it in heels, pantyhose, and a pushup bra or you’re gay. Love men and everything about them no matter how awful it may be, or you’ll have to burn your bra, never shave again, and you’ll have to get used to the term “dyke”. Believe in yourself as a woman and remember all those women who fought for the freedoms and rights you have, but never say anything about it out loud or you’ll be called militant and every man you meet will insist that you are what’s wrong with the world today.

Don’t have sex too soon in a relationship, no matter how much you both want it, or you’re a slut. But don’t hold out too long either, or you’re a frigid ice queen who thinks she’s better than everyone else. Learn how to give head because if you ever screw that up, he’ll probably never call you back, but if you do really well, every guy in town will suddenly take an interest in you. Never use pregnancy, illness, or anything else as a reason for justifying the way you are or you’ll be accused of setting a double standard. Want equality but be happy when you don’t get it because you don’t want to be accused of complaining all the time.

Take yourself seriously, but never expect others to do the same. Support a woman’s right to her own body, or you’ll be called archaic and not a real woman, but hate abortion or you’ll be labeled a baby killer regardless of whether or not you’ve had one yourself.

And remember, all women are: bitches, whores, sluts, cunts, dumb, silly, militant, housekeepers, baby sitters, baby makers, cooks, drama queens, weak, flirts, victims, sex objects, and home wreckers.

Love and sympathy,

Your slut, bitch, whore, cunt, dumb, silly, militant Mother.

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